At the moment I think it would be fair to say that my conversational skills leave alot to be desired. I still have a commanding vocabulary at work and at home but for some inexplicable reason, the power of speech takes a metaphorical nose-dive when out in company. Its not that I'm usually lost for words or disinterested in people around me its just I tend to clam up with people I really want to talk to. Some of this I think is partly nerves which I have always suffered with and another bit is fear of rejection, people regarding me as a little too intense and boring. I do find small talk extremely tiring though, particularly with groups of people I don't know, to crudely put it, i might as well be farting in the wind for the pleasure it gives me.
I'm getting to the stage now that I am hankering for a deep and meaningful conversation with people I like and trust. I think trust is an important element here because when one has this type of interaction, you really want to feel you can let your guard down and express yourself freely and that people would feel at ease enough with me to do the same. I think part of my problem why I still suffer from nerves and occasional bouts of depression today is I have so much stuff inside me that I would like to share but lack the confidence to disband some of it. I think this leads to frustration which in turn eats away at oneself, physically, mentally and spiritually. I know this is really bad for mental health. I come from a line of family who have had nervous breakdowns, I think I'm too high-spirited to have one of these but I really think I now need to sum up the courage and to start talking to people and to start letting go.
